The Retelling
by Miss.gonnastabyou
Summary: A retelling of the Chamber of Secrets movie. More than just a book-movie comparison, it mocks the actors, the inconsistence plot, and the sh**ty prop making! If you read, you get a cookie! Come on... don't you want a cookie?
1. Chapter 1

A/N: sooooo I was typing this in a caravan park, but the battery failed before I could save. Gah. But here it is, all spiffed up for you.

This chapter is dedicated to Kate, because I haven't dedicated something to her yet.

Warnings: swearing and innuendo, great dollops of it.

The movie starts by showing Harry looking through a photo album. One of the photos is of him, Ron and Hermione, though god only knows when they had time to take it. They were too busy sneaking around and breaking rules last year.  
Anyway, Harry gets called downstairs.

VERNON: are we all ready for when the Masons arrive?  
PETUNIA: yes, I will be waiting to welcome them _graciously_ to our home.  
DUDLEY: (in a creepily posh long voice) and I shall be waiting to open the door.  
HARRY: *snort*  
EVERYONE ELSE: *all turn to collectively glare at harry*  
VERNON: and where will _you_ be?? youstupidannoyinggit  
HARRY: (sarcastically, though nobody notices) I'll be in my room, making no noise, and pretending I don't exist.  
RANDOM FANGIRL: *appears* oh, so they found a replacement actor then?  
HARRY: um....what?  
FANGIRL: it's just that I read in Gossip Bitch, that they were going to use that boy from My Family.  
EVERYONE: ...  
FANGIRL: oh never mind then. *disappears*

Harry goes up to his bedroom and opens the door to see a shrivelled thing that looked like Gollum jumping on his bed.

HARRY: OMG WTF?!?!  
GOLUM-LIKE-CREATURE: oh, Mr. Potter, sir!  
HARRY: who are you?  
GLC: I am Dobby, sir!  
DOBBY SYMPATHISERS: awwww, look at his big eyes!  
HARRY: what do you want?  
DOBBY: I came to warn Mr Potter, DO NOT GO BACK TO HOGWARTS!  
HARRY: but.....no?  
DOBBY: teeeeerible things will happen  
HARRY: I _must_ return to Hogwarts.  
DOBBY: no! I will not let Mr Potter!  
DOBBY HATERS: little bastard....

Dobby runs downstairs, cackling maniacally, and Harry follows him.  
Dobby stops when he sees the cake that Petunia had made earlier, which consisted mostly of sugar, and those little red things (whatever they're called).

HARRY: no, don't do it!  
DOBBY: Dobby must, sir, for Harry Potters own good! *clicks fingers*

The cake floats forward, and Harry follows it, with his arms outstretched FOR SOME REASON.

CAKE: *falls on Mrs Masons head*  
MRS MASON: *does not appear to react at _all_*  
MR MASON: hmm... that's...interesting.  
VERNON: *glare*  
HARRY: ohshit.  
DOBBY: MUA HAHAHAHAHAHAH!

Harry is locked in his room, and Vernon the Walrus puts bars outside his window, just in case Harry manages to grow his hair really long, and some prince comes and saves him.

Ron, Fred and George Weasley turn up in the middle of the night in a flying blue car.  
Harry isn't surprised by this at all. -_-  
They have conveniently brought along a hook, which they attach to the bars on the window.

The clang of the bars breaking off wakes the Dursleys, who jump up in fright. Though, you would think that they would be used to being broken into, what with Hagrid, and now the Weasleys.

RON: quick get in Harry!  
HARRY: *gets on Ron's _lap_ because there apparently isn't time for him to get in the back*  
VERNON: I hate you, and yet I'm grabbing you to stop you from leaving! GAHHH!  
F+G: *drive*

Vernon falls out the window and into the bushes.

FRED (or was it George): How did you know that we would need a rope and hook Ron?  
RON: ahhh....I guessed. Yes that's it I.....guessed. I wasn't _spying_ on Harry or anything...  
GEORGE (or possibly Fred): but-  
RON: SO, Harry, happy birthday!  
HARRY: did you get me a present? Did you, did you, did you??????  
RON: I....um.  
HARRY: what? You DIDNT?  
RON: it-it wasn't in the script!  
HARRY: STUFF THE SCRIPT! I WANTED A PRESENT!!!!

A/N: and thus ends the first chapter. Sorry if its short, but then next chapter will be long, i promise.  
I hope you've enjoyed yourselves, and please come back for more. Now go ahead and press that review button. You know you want too.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: And so, we are on to the next chapter!!  
Same warnings as last time.  
Dedicated to Colin's car, because I wrote most of this in it.

They arrive at The Burrow, which is possibly called that because the Weasleys look like weasels.... and note that it's THE Burrow, not just any burrow.  
Harry is looking around in awe, and for some reason so is Ron.

Harry looks at a clock, and watches three little pictures or Ron, Fred and George move from LOST to HOME. But there are no other pictures under HOME.... I wonder where they are....

FRED: get on with it please!

Fine.

RON: it's not much, but its home.

Harry was getting really excited, because he absolutely LOVES little cottages, especially with added on bits, that make it look dodgy, like it won't stay up.

HARRY: IT'S FUCKING BRILLIANT!!!!  
FRED+GEORGE+RON: *stare at Harry* WTF?????  
MOLLY: * storms around the corner* WHERE **HAVE** YOU BEEN!!?!?!??!  
Oh it's lovely to see you again harry.  
BEDS EMPTY???? NO NOTE???? YOU COULD HAVE DIED!!!!!  
F+G+R: *cower*  
MOLLY: oh course, I don't blame you harry dear.  
HARRY: erm.

Molly continues to yell about the danger of being seen by muggles, but the boys tune out, because as teenage boys, that's what they do best.

BREAKFAST TIME

MOLLY: *passes a plate of food to Harry* There we go Harry, tuck in! Thaaaaats it! Feeeeeeeed!  
HARRY: *chew*  
GINNY: *runs down stairs* och, allo there! I look like a wee lepricorn girly!  
HARRY: HIIIIIIIIIII!

She see harry and freezes. She backs away slowly, then runs back upstairs.

HARRY: what did I do?  
RON: apart from scream in her face? Nothing. She's been talking about you all summer, actually. About you gorgeous hair and your beautiful eyes....  
HARRY: er...

Harry is saved from an awkward moment when Arthur Weasley come barging in.  
ARTHUR: great job at wok last night, we had nine raids! _nine_! *jig of happiness*

HARRY: *turns to Ron* raids?  
RON: oh yes, dad works for WWBIORFNAR  
HARRY: what?  
RON: Wizards Who Burst In On Raids For No Apparent Reason.

Arthur sits down at the table, and when Harry looks at him properly, a look of awe crosses his face.

HARRY: oh my GOD! You're that guy from The Borrowers!!!!  
ARTHUR: heh, why yes, I am indeed!  
HARRY: can I have your autograph? Pleeeeeease?????  
ARTHUR: you can, BUTFIRST! You must tell me, what you do, with...... *dramatic pause* ...a rubber _duck_?

Before Harry has a chance to answer, there is a loud squawk from outside the window and the Weasleys owl comes flying at the window.  
CRASH  
But the crash didn't come from the bird. No the birds impact made more of a thump. The crash really came from the doors to the set breaking open, as a PETA mob comes charging through.  
They attack the crew and take the director hostage, but before they can go to the injured bird, Dumbledore strides in and yells in a booming voice "THOU SHALL NOT PASS!" freezing them, with his mad-magic-skillz. He strides off again.  
After the last of them had been shooed off set, Arthur turned back to Harry.

ARTHUR: so, about rubber ducks-  
PERCY: *is just suddenly THERE, because I forgot to mention him until now...he's really not that important at all really...* Oh look! It's our Hogwarts letters! I'm surprised, even though we get them every year.

Molly stands up and claps her hands together.

MOLLY: there is only one place where we can find _these_ books! Diagon Alley!

She says it like it's an ad. If it WAS an ad it might go:  
COME TO DIAGON ALLEY-ITS NOT A REAL ALLEY AT ALL!!!  
*Hagrid pops up*  
"for all your bits and bobs for doing your wizardry!*

The Weasleys and Harry are all standing around the fire place.

HARRY: um, we aren't holding some kind of séance are we?  
GINNY: *burst out laughing* och, Harry, you are SO FUNNY!  
*awkward silence*  
MOLLY: SO, Ron, why don't you show Harry how to travel by floo powder.  
RON: *steps up to fireplace* DIAGON ALLEY!

Ron is engulfed in green flames and disappears. Harry is shocked by this and lapses in hysteria.

HARRY: *running all over the place* OMG GREEN FIRE! SATAN! AHHHHHH!!!!  
ARTHUR: harry-  
HARRY: NO! DONT TOUCH ME, YOU SPAWN OF SATAN!

A short while, and a couple of lullabies later, they managed to calm Harry down. He steps up the fireplace. But seems to have difficulty pronouncing 'Diagon Alley'.

HARRY: creepystrangeplacefullofcreepylookingpeople!

WHOOOSH

A/N: ohhhhh! Cliff hanger! Where could Harry POSSIBLE end up???  
stay tuned to find out!


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: mk now sorry to all the ickle kiddies who enjoy this story – that includes Mia.

Ill try to get the next one up quick.

This chapter is dedicated to Caitlin, and all the mini Shona and Kates inside her head.

Oh and I had forgotten about disclaimers previously, but seeing as we shouldn't need them on a site called FAN fiction, i shall continue to ignore them.

* * *

WHOOOOOOSH

Harry is transported, strangely enough, to an evil looking shop full of ancient antiques.

After dusting himself off, Harry decides to have a look around – much like Bella Swan, Harry LIKES touching old things.

HARRY: oh look, a dead hand! POKE!

HAND: *GRAB *

HARRY: gnarf!

The hand attacks Harry, grabbing his face, but seriously, what did he expect?  
And yes, 'gnarf' is officially the sound someone makes when his or her face is being smooshed by a skeletal hand.

Harry manages to free himself, muttering about how it's a good thing the hand is at head height.

He walks out the shop, to be immediately surrounded but old people.

DUN DUN DUUUUUUUN!!!!!!

HAG: ohhhhhhh! What are _you_ doing here little boy?  
DODGEY DUDE: are you _lost_ child?  
CREEP: need help finding your way?  
OLG PEOPLE: * start stroking Harry *

HARRY: * hyperventilating * ( with excitement or fear, we shall never know)

HAGRID: *appears * ILL SAVE YOU!!!!! * Grabs Harry out of the stroking crowd * Come with me - it's a terrible place, Knockturn alley.

HARRY: But what were _you_ doing there then, Hagrid?  
HAGRID: I ran out of coc- ah, I mean…. Snail repellent. Yes that's what I needed.

Harry is completely oblivious to Hagrid's suspicious ways. Hermione runs up, conveniently changing the subject.

HERMIONE: oh, Harry you've broken your glasses AGAIN!!!! * Fixes them with a spell*

HARRY: hay, how come you can do magic outside of school?  
HARMIONE: *shifty eyes * um, because i'm special???? Anyway Harry, that doesn't matter. We have to get back to the Weasleys.

Hagrid wanders off to buy more 'snail repellent', and Harry and Hermione meet up with the others, who didn't even bother to go looking for Harry.

They are all in the bookshop, listening to some stuck-up dude give a speech.

PHOTOGRAPHER: excuse me little girl * pushes old lady out the way*

HARRY: *is forcefully dragged up to have his photo taken with the stuck up dude, who is from now on called Lovehart*

LOVEHART: front page! SCORE!

The camera moves up wards, and the audience sees Draco Malfoy, who is ripping a page out of a book titled "The Wonderful World of Puberty".

He stalks up to Harry and the Weasley kids in an oh-so-sinister manner.

DRACO: pathetic Potter, can't even go to a friggin book store with out falling in love with some old guy.

HARRY: my life is no _affair_ of yours, Malfoy.

DRACO: * pause* was that…..innuendo?  
LUCIUS: *materializes from shadow * now now, Draco, play nice.

Draco looks outraged at his father's choice of words.

Lucius slides closer and looks at- _not_ strokes – Harry's scar.

LUSIUS: oh em gee, that is leik SO COOL!

HARRY: nu UH! Voldemort was nothing more that a murderer!

LUCUIS: you're wrong, he was sexy too!

HARRY: erm –

LUCIUS: oh, I see you must be the Weasleys!

RON: HOW DID YOU KNOW THAT???  
LUCIUS: um, i've seen you before.

Lucius picks up Ginny's book and when Arthur comes up to glare at him, he puts it back in her cauldron.

CAULDREN: GANG-A-LANG!  
GINNY: I wonder what that was….. Oh never mind, it obviously nothing important.

LUCIUS: see you at work. *Walks away muttering - IM too sexy for my CAPE, to SEXY for my CAPE*

DRACO: see you at school *suggestive look at Ron *

AUDIENCE: hold on, is Ron wearing LIPSTICK???????

* * *

Harry and the Weasleys were running late for the train to school. We see them as they arrive at platform 9 ¾.

MOLLY: now, you boys wait till last, and we'll all go through, even though YOU'RE the ones who need to get on the train.

After everyone else had gone through, Harry and Ron stared at the barrier for a moment.

RON: so, should we….go thorough yet?  
HARRY: nah lets wait a little longer.

A couple of moments later, the boys run full speed at the barrier, but for some reason, instead of going though, they crash into the wall and land in a spectacular heap on the ground.

AUDIENCE: woot! Do it again!

HARRY AND RON: * look around for voices that came out of nowhere *

RON: did you hear that?  
HARRY: never mind the strange voices, they'll come back later, what we need to do now, is come up with a plan!

RON: right then, well…..why don't we steal the car?

HARRY: hmmm…. Maybe coz we got in trouble _last_ time we stole the car, and its also broad daylight… WELL OK!!!!!!

* * *


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: most of this chapter is dedicated to Alasdair, who I haven't seen for ages, but must be out there somewhere. MISSING YOU ALASDAIR.

The scene in Snape's office is dedicated to Satan though.

* * *

(In the flying car)

RON: hmmm.. Wonder where the train is.

HARRY: it must be near, I can hear it.

RON: OMGITSRIGHTBEHINDUS

Harry and Ron look at each other, and scream in a 'comic' manner.

Somehow the car gets tipped to the side, and Harry starts falling out, because he's British and didn't wear a seatbelt. Also, he has amazing bad luck, so it's always him.

Or Neville.

HARRY: ahhhhhhhhh! *Grabs hold of seat, _just in time_*

RON: why didn't you wear a seatbelt, dumbarse!

HARRY: I-I forgot….it doesn't matter, just SAVE ME!

RON: right. Grab my hand!

HARRY: I cant! It's too sweaty!!!

RON: that's coz you make me so hot, baby!!!

HARRY: * momentarily forgets his life is in danger* what the- Ron we're only _twelve_!

A random fan girl appears out of nowhere, and flys alongside the car.

FANGIRL: did you know that Rupert Grint is actually two years older than Daniel Radcliff?? *Disappears in a poof of sparkly purpleness*

HARRY: well that was weird.

RON: *pulls Harry back into the car, simultaneously righting the car * you know, you might be safer if you sat on my lap…

HARRY: no, Ron, no.

Nothing much interesting happens between then and flying into Hogwarts, besides Ron trying to stroke Harry's hair, and Harry edging away.

They fly into Hogwarts and – WAIT!!!! HOLD UP A MOMENT – i've just thought of something.

There are protections on the Hogwarts grounds so that death eaters cant aparate in, right? SO why aren't there protections on people _flyin_g in? For all they know, Voldemort could be in the backseat of Ron's car!!

_Nice_ security system you have there Dumbledore.

Harry: could we just get on with it?

Oh, right.

SO, they fly in, but Ron's car suddenly decides to go kaput and stop working.

CAR: FUCK THIS SHIT

RON: ahhhhh, crash landing!

HARRY: Ron, Ron, Ron of the jungle WHAT OUT FOR THAT TREE!

(Haha Rupert Grint in a loincloth)

They smash into a tree.

BANG  
RON: *looking horrified* my wand! Look at my wand Harry!  
HARRY: RON. We. Are. _Twelve_.

RON: no, no. My _wand_.

HARRY: oh, it looks like it's broken.

RON: it IS!  
HARRY: haha, SUCKER!

TREE (in a deep slow voice): smaaaaaaaaash! * Starts beating the car up *

HARRY: ohmygosh! Its one of those talking trees from Lord of the Rings! *fangasms*

RON: *drives down the trunk and away from the tree *

CAR: *kicks the losers out and drives off*

RON: *angrily stands up* YOU WHORE! *Shakes fist*

HARRY: *recovers from fangasm* did you just call the _car_ a whore????

* * *

They are taken to Snape's office.

SNAPE: you were _seen_ by no less than _seven_ muggles!!!! *Stands up and prowls around in his dark and sexy way*

HARRY AND RON: * look ashamed*

SNAPE: if I EVER hears about you flashing in public again, I WILL have you expelled!

HARRY: *continues to look ashamed *

RON: but professor, we weren't –

He is interrupted by Dumbledore sweeping into the room, Mcgoogle following behind.

DUMBLEDORE: thank you, Severus, for looking after the missing students. *Wink*

SNAPE: headmaster, these students have flouted the degree –

DUMBLEDORE: i'm well aware of the ministry's laws, having written a few of them myself.

AUDIENCE: ohhhhhhh, BURN!!!

DUMBLEDORE: but I believe the boy's punishment lies with Minerva.

MCGOOGLE: sherbet lemon.

There was a confused silence, and Harry and Ron shared an incredulous look.

HARRY: um, sorry, what?

MCGOOGLE: but that's my line – sherbet lemon.

DUMBLEDORE: oh, um, I guess well just move on the next scene then?

* * *

A/N: hayhay! Its me again! Just to say that the bits where is doesn't have 'CHARACTER:' is me(the author) talking.

Sorry its short – ill make the next one longer.

Now go ahead and press that review button. ;)


	5. Chapter 5

A/N: sorry for the wait my darlings, but this chapter refused to be written.  
This ones dedicated to Kate - coz she dedicated HER fifth chapter to me - also coz she's special. Read her fanfics people - dooo eet! .net/u/1798768/- they're just as random as mine, although they involve a lot more stroking.

* * *

In the next scene, we see the trio in a herbology class - its quite a pointless scene, really, but ANYWAY. Nothing important happens, besides Draco fondling his mandrake, and Neville fainting at the vulgarity of it all.

^^lunchtime^^

RON: *wrapping his broken wand in cello tape* (insert sick wand joke here)  
RONS BIRD: *smashes into a bowl of crisps*  
AMERICAN AUDIENCES: wtf are crisps????  
ENGLISH AUDIENCES: psht, wankers…

The bird flies off leaving Ron with a 'howler' letter from his mother, and everyone currently in the great hall turns to watch, although half of them were already watching - Harry has his very own fan club.

LETTER: OMG YOU FILTHY STINKING BITCH!!!!!! How DARE you endanger Harry like that!!!!  
RON:…whut.  
LETTER: when you get home in the holidays I shall WHIP YOUR ARSE! Oh, and Ginny dear, congratulations on winning Official Leprecorn of Hogwarts, we are EVER SO PROUD.  
*spits in Ron's face then rips itself up* (gosh suicidal letter much)

^^in defence-against-the-dark arts^^

Lovehart comes in and does his 'charming' smile with a flourish of his cape. All the girls look admiringly up at him , and the boys disgusted, although Ron does seem pretty impressed…

LOVEHART: I must WARN you, you may find yourselves facing your greatest fears in this room.  
LUPIN: *pops up in a cloud of purple dust that looks _suspiciously_ similar to the fan-girls poof* NO, that's not till next year. *walks out*  
LOVEHART: erm, right. Well, now, I SET PIXIES ON YOU!!!!

With another flourish of his cape, he unlocks the cage sitting on his desk and out zoom a herd (yes a herd) of tricksy pixies. BUT ALAS these are not the pixies we _think_ they are. They are in fact, evil squishy RAPIST pixies, that reside in the raping tree from lord of the rings.

RAPIST PIXIES: GAHHHHHH WE SHALL **GET **YOU NOW!!! *zoom around attacking bookshelves and things*  
STUDENTS: **OH CRAP RUN!!!!!!!**  
LOVEHART: I shall now _slink_ away back to my office, leaving YOU THREE to round them up. *slink*

A small group of the pixies attack Neville, and lift him up till he is hanging from the chandelier, _at their mercy_. Suddenly Hermione jumps up and saves him just in time.

HERMIONE: expello volatilis !!!!!  
PIXIES: *freeze in mid air*  
NEVIL *is conveniently still able to move* oh, why is it always me?!?!?!

Awww……poor nevil……its because you suck.

^^time passes, and it is now possibly the next morning^^

WOODSTOCK(a.k.a Oliver wood): ````````````````````````  
HARRY: oh, what?  
WOODSTOCK: hm?  
HARRY: you were talking in dotty things.  
WOODSTOCK: oh sorry, I meant - were going to train more this year - earlier and HARDER, oh yes HARDER.  
HARRY: …..  
SLYTHERINS: oi, WE are going to practice !!!!  
WOODSTOCK: oh no you're not. *clicks fingers 'oh no you didn't'*  
SYTHERINS: well WE HAVE A NOTE  
WOODSTOCK: why, I ask, WHY  
DRACO: I is da new seeker! Woot!  
HERMIONE+RON: oh hai guys!  
RON: ho shit! they've got new brooms!  
HERMIONE: at least no one in our team had to sleep with the captain to - I mean, we got in on SKILLZ  
DRACO: oh yeah? You stupid little _girl_

Hermione gasps at his foul language, and Ron steps up to defend her.

RON: eat worms! *worm spell*

But sadly for Ron, his wand is allergic to cello tape, so the spell backfires. He is blown backwards, and starts vomiting earth worms. In fact, he doesn't look that different from usual…

RON: blearg! GERG!  
WORM: *wriggle writhe*  
HARRY: come on, Hermione, instead of taking him to the hospital, let take him to Hargrid's Love Shack.  
HERMIONE: But Harry - what good will that do?  
HARRY: on second thought, you're right. Lets leave him here.

They dump the vomiting Ron on the ground and walk off.

^^in detention with Lovehart^^

LOVEHART: can you think of a better way to spend detention, than here answering my fan mail???  
HARRY: actually, most of its hate mail-  
LOVEHART: REMEMBER Harry, celebrity is, as celebrity does.  
HARRY: what the hell does that even mean??? and shouldn't Ron be here?  
LOVEHART: oh, your friend has got a _special_ detention with professor Snape…  
HARRY: *terrified*  
LOVEHART: would you look at the time - we've bee here nearly forty-seven hours! Oh, ho, ho!

Harry, suddenly realising Lovehart's resemblance to Evil Santa, backed out of the room.

But walking along the corridor, he heard a noise.

A voice.

* * *

A/N: BWAHAHAHHAHAH! Cliff hanger!  
Well, not really. Coz you've most probably seen the move AND read the book…

So…  
Not a cliff hanger then.

Note = The spell that Hermione uses is Latin for "banish the rapists" :D


	6. Chapter 6

A/N: this chapter is dedicated to Brian and Matthew, the adorable couple. Lol.  
Also to ilovemoony897 who is nice enough to review my strange story.  
UNLIKE SOME PEOPLE

* * *

Harry paused when he heard the voice. It was a hissing rasping voice, that seemed to be coming from the walls.

HARY: GREAT GOOGILY MOOGILY  
VOICE: hssssss…..bloooood…..  
HARRY: *listening at wall* its MOVING  
VOICE: my precioussssssss…..  
HARRY: dobby? Is that you dobby?  
VOICE: let me rip you…….let me EAT you…….  
HARRY: hm, maybe not.

Hermione and Ron, once again, conveniently appear. They watch as Harry runs past along the wall, making hissing noises. Thinking he had another overdose they run after him.

RON: what is he doing?  
HERMIONE: hm, well unless he found my stash - I mean…. took some drugs….well, I THINK he's speaking parseltongue!  
RON: parseltongue?  
HERMIONE: yes, snake language, but I wish he wouldn't. he's MAKING me want to PEE!

They follow Harry, until they come upon a very flooded corridor.

HARRY: I'm coming my love!!!! * collapses on the floor *  
RON: b-but HARRY! I….I thought you loved ME?  
HERMIONE: Ron, for the last time, were only twelve! Oh, shit. Myrtles gone and flooded the bathroom again.  
RON: are you sure? It looks kind of yellow….  
HERMIONE: OMG LOOK AT THAT

There, in font of them, hung a feral-looking cat, blood dripping from its lifeless body. (a/n: hm poetic aren't I?)

HERMIONE: eeek! Look at the wall!  
WALL: _the Chamber of Secrets has been renovated. Enemies of the Renovators'.Inc beware  
_RON: oh crap - its written on blood.  
HERMIONE; no, it must be ketchup -blood turns brown when its dry.

Ron looks at Hermione, shocked that she would know that about blood.  
Just then, a group of Gryffindors come around the corner, just as Slytherins come around the other. Hay, where the hell are Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff in this movie?  
All of the important teachers also appear.

DUMBLEDORE: great, Merlin! Its written in blood!  
SNAPE: no, blood turns brown when its dry….it must be….tomato sauce…  
RON: *runs off down the corridor, away from all the murders who know so much about blood*  
HOUSEKEEPERDUDE: noooo! Mrs Norris!!! My BABY!!!! *runs up to the cat, kicking Harry's body out the way*  
DUMBLEDORE: be calm Mr. Filtch , she is only dead. The real problem now, is that SOMEONE has been stealing KETCHUP from the KITCHENS.  
MCGOOGLE: oh, the OUTRAGE

The teaches storm off to see if there is ANY sauce left, and the students, who are used to Potter and his desperate bursts of attention-seeking, leave to return to their what-ever-they-were-doing-before.

* * *

HERMIONE: professor, can you please tell us about the chamber of secrets?  
MCGOOGLE: well -

^*^*^ATTENTION^*^*^  
(This scene has been cut, to avoid unnecessary writing effort on the part of the author, who is, in fact, incredibly lazy)  
^*^*^THANKYOU^*^*^

* * *

^^the Quidditch match^^

So, everything is in dramatic mode. Draco and Harry are both desperately trying to get the Snitch, and Harry is beginning to realise that Draco isn't as much of a poof as he thought.  
But when in doubt, PINKIE OUT!

HARRY: *is flying around with his pinkie in the air*

All of a sudden, in a dramatic twist that nobody saw coming, Harry is attacked by a miniature flying bikey.

Little did they know, that this bikey was not being controlled by a spell. It was actually controlled by DOBBY, who was sitting in the stands making it move with a joystick.

DOBBY: hehehe DIE POTTER DIE  
BIKEY: *revs engine* BWAAHAHHAHA!  
HARRY: argh! you've no idea how hard it is to avoid a bikey, fly after the snitch, AND keep my pinkie out like this!!!  
BIKEY: *succeeds in knocking Harry off his broom*  
HARRY: *catches the snitch somehow* (I forget)  
DRACO: oh HOW THE FUCK did he manage to win EVEN WITH A BIKEY AFTER HIM

Harry is lying on the pitch/court/thing and a whole load of people stampede towards him.

HARRY: NO DON'T SMOTHER ME, my arm is broken!!!!  
RON: probably shouldn't have had your pinkie out like that then.  
HARRY *is extremely offended by this*  
HERMIONE: *blows the bikey up* phew!  
HAGRID: Oh WHUT?!?!?! _nice_ one Hermione, you're PAYING for that!!!  
LOVEHART: I can fix this, give me your arm *stroke* yessssss, your arrrrrm  
HARRY: I uh, don't think that's going to fix it….

Harry's vision blacks out, and he wakes up in the hospital.

HARRY: what…how did I get here?  
DOBBY: Mr. Hagrid sat on you, Mr Potter sir.  
HARRY: when did you get here? I swear you weren't here a second ago…  
DOBBY: No, Mr Potter, I am ALWAYS here, I am EVERYWHERE. All at once….

*awkward silence*

HARRY: so…are you going to, sod off?  
DOBBY: no, I'm waiting till the teachers get here and I have to run off.  
TEACHERS: *ENTER*

They walk in, carrying a boy on a stretcher. Dobby disappears, and Harry strikes a pose, in attempt to look natural.

MCGOOGLE: *ignoring Harry* oh, look the boy took a photo. Maybe we can find out who raped him?  
DUMBLEDORE *opens the camera, and green poofs out*  
MCGOOGLE: what could this mean Albus?  
DUMBLEDORE: it means, Minerva, that I exposed the lens. We should have thought this plan through…

* * *

A/N: hm, I don't much like this chapter, it was a bit rushed.

If you review, then I wont hunt you don't and kill you. Deal?


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